Today marks 1 year since I found out Emelia was on her way! It was very unexpected at the time, seeing those two positive lines on the pregnancy test… The most amazing yet scary moment I could have asked for. I’d only taken a test a week or so earlier and it was negative so I was feeling very low and started wondering will we ever be lucky enough to fall pregnant with our rainbow baby?! Looking back I can see now that we needed those 6 months after losing Lucas to heal as much as we could and to be there for each other. At the time it felt like a never ending wait for those all important two lines! When I did the test I was fully expecting it to be negative. When I turned it over and saw the two lines I just sat and broke down into tears. I didn’t even know how I should feel. I was happy that we had been blessed to get pregnant again, but also terrified something could so easily go wrong again. I couldn’t cope with losing another baby, it’s not the way life is meant to be. I also felt guilty for being pregnant. How could I be happy when my baby only died 6 months earlier?
Andy was at work (again!) when I took the test. I have no idea why both times I took the test when he was at work. It left me waiting hours to tell him which was so difficult but lovely when he came home & I could tell him the news! It was a confusing time at first. Both me and Andy were struggling to come to terms with the fact we might have another baby but once I started getting all the symptoms and morning sickness it made things feel more real to me. Andy struggled a lot until we had our first scan. It was so hard to deal with… I didn’t know what to do or say. I could only be there and be strong for him like he was and always is for me since we lost Lucas.
We decided to tell everybody in our family on Christmas Day that we were pregnant. First we went down to Lucas’ little garden where his stone & ashes are. We told him he was going to be a big brother and that we would and could never forget him. I just needed him to know that this didn’t mean we were replacing him. We bought cards and addressed them from Lucas to his grandparents saying that he was going to be a big brother ❤️ Christmas Day was very difficult for us so this just helped ease the pain of having to spend our first Christmas without Lucas. We had our first scan on January 7th. Everything looked ok but the baby was measuring small. We went back again on January 17th and the baby was ok and had grown as much as it should have. Seeing our little baby was just amazing. Little arms and legs wriggling around. Such a perfect moment but ultimately the fear set back in hours later…
Once we had been for our 12 weeks scan I was referred to a consultant so we could discuss our level of care for the rest of the pregnancy. We had to go to another hospital for a heart echo scan when I was 18 weeks pregnant to check the heart had formed properly as the heart was part of the reason we lost Lucas. We were terrified. What if they found a heart defect? How would we cope? Waiting for that scan felt like a lifetime. Luckily the scan went well and they couldn’t find any problems with the baby’s heart. This was the biggest relief for us. We had worried for so long that there would be problems and this really helped us believe we might actually get a healthy baby at the end of this pregnancy.
We had our 20 week anomaly scan which we were both really worried about. This was when there could potentially be problems found with our baby’s organs. We had such a lovely sonographer and we explained that we had lost Lucas so she did a thorough check on all the baby’s organs for us and didn’t find any problems…. Major relief set in then! We decided to take the plunge too and find out the sex of our baby as with Lucas we had a surprise. It was a girl 💗💖💗 we couldn’t believe how much she looked like her big brother on his 20 week scan!
On Easter Sunday, we had our first scare. The thing I dreaded the most… I was bleeding. I was 23+1 weeks. What if this was it?! I was at work… I just broke down and thought we had lost our beautiful girl. I couldn’t cope. I went and drank loads of cold orange. No movements. I rang the hospital and arranged to go in and get checked over. The drive there was a silent one. We were both so terrified something was going wrong and the fact we were 6 days short of my baby being viable if it was born scared the life out of me. The blood got less as time went on. I had to have some tests and they couldn’t see why I was bleeding. They came to the conclusion that my placenta was so low and that could have been the cause. It took me so long to get over that scare. It was also one of my amazing angel mummy friends babies first birthday. I was thinking of them so much that day as well, knowing I would be in their position around 6 weeks later having to face our angels first birthday without him here just broke me. I felt so broken for my friends too, but once again her strength amazed me as it always does. You know who you are ❤️❤️❤️
The weeks after the scare were very hard for us. All my amazing angel mummy friends had their babies first birthday coming up. It was a sad time for me too, I had been through the last year with them and knowing how much this was going to break their hearts all over again broke me too. We had our next scan to check the growth of our baby girl at 28+2 days. It was 5 days before Lucas’ 1st birthday so we weren’t feeling great. Her growth was on track though which was all that mattered. Then it was our turn, it was Lucas 1st birthday. The day which should have been filled with so much happiness… Presents, fun, balloons, a party, a cake. We had nothing. I still don’t know how we got through it but once again we made it. Then we had the dreaded 12 days to live through until it was 1 year since we lost him. How had it been a year? I still feel like it was yesterday a lot of the time… and now it’s 1 day short of 18 months since I last saw that perfect face 💙 it’s a negative way to think but every day I wake up is one day closer to meeting him again!
The weeks after Lucas’ time passed by quite well. Then once again I had another scare. This time it was reduced movements at 35+4 days pregnant. I was terrified again. What if the monitor didn’t pick up a heartbeat? It was another silent journey to the hospital for us and then we were put into a labour ward room as the ward was full. We hadn’t been there since the most happy day of our lives… When Lucas was born and we had no worries in the world. They finally hooked me up to a monitor. I had to stay on it for well over an hour as they weren’t happy with the trace. There weren’t many movements. After another 45 minutes they were happy to send me home from the trace but I was booked in for a Doppler scan 2 days later to check the blood flow from the placenta to baby. It was torture getting through those two days. All I could think was something was going to happen then we would go to the scan and find a problem. Waiting for that scan felt like a lifetime although it was probably only 5 minutes! We went in and the sonographer was so quiet that I thought there really was something wrong. She eventually spoke and told us that everything looked ok! Relief was an understatement! I was emotionally drained for a good week after that. My anxiety levels were so bad that when I was at the hospital the midwives told me to stay off work for a week! Our next growth scan was only 2 days later which helped. Once again her measurements were great which helped me to deal with our scare a lot better. It was just good to know that she was still doing ok.
Then it was time for our last growth scan at 38+2 weeks. Our girl was measuring 6lb 12oz and we arranged for me to be induced at 39+5 weeks. We couldn’t believe our baby girl would be arriving within the next week or so!
Then much to our surprise at 38+6 weeks… Emelia made her quick entrance into the world at 4:59am weighing 7lb 2oz. She was behond perfect and looked just like her big brother Lucas. The first 12 days of her life were so scary. It was like we were reliving our time with Lucas. He was born on a Friday & it was 10 days before Andy’s birthday. Then two days after that was when he died. With Emelia, she was also born on a Friday and weirdly it was 10 days before my birthday as well. Everything was the same. They even looked exactly the same! So much so that they could have been twins! On that twelfth day we sat and cuddled Emmy so much just to get us through it & now here we are, 4 months later….. We made it!!!! Emelia has since had her heart scan which was all clear too! We are so proud of her and we are so in love with her. Here are some of Emelia’s newborn photos which we love….
So for anybody who is hoping for their rainbow baby journey to begin or if you are already going through your rainbow pregnancy… It of course has its up and downs & it is one hell of a scary & terrifying journey but it is worth every second when they arrive into the world. Our hearts are filled with so much love for both our babies ❤️ Not a day goes by where we don’t think about Lucas or miss him. Emelia can never replace him but she is here to help heal our hearts and bring us some normality and hope back in our lives 💗 which I’m proud to say she does every single day!
Thanks for reading. Abi.x