Life as an Angel Mummy… Two years on. 

Well, I’m not sure how this has happened so quickly but it’s been two whole years since our beautiful baby boy came into the world… Our little Lucas was born on Friday 16th May 2014 at 10:38pm. I honestly can’t believe it. Where is the time going? 

My life feels so different to how it did then. I say to my husband all the time that I just feel like my life has been split in two. There’s before we lost Lucas…. Then there’s after we lost Lucas. I am a totally different person to who I was back then. I think when something so terrible happens it really puts your life into perspective.. and losing our precious baby boy really did for me. 

For any parents of an angel baby, all the birthdays, anniversaries, Christmasses and other dates and milestones are so difficult. For me, I feel so incredibly lucky to have had our sweet baby here with us for twelve days. Life was perfect and we were so happy in our new little family life. We were blissfully unaware of anything being wrong, until it actually went wrong the day we lost him. Some people look at me as if to say, “How can she feel lucky when she’s lost a baby?” … And my answer is this… A lot of Angel parents haven’t even been given the chance to make memories with their baby or get to spend quality time with them before they lose them. It’s different for everybody. But for me, I just feel so grateful for the time we had. We got to know him and create memories to last a lifetime. 

So, two years on….. Monday marked our little boy’s second birthday. Of course it was a difficult day but I said I always wanted to try and continue to make it a happy day. Afterall, it was the best day of our lives! So each year, we plan to go to Chester Zoo where he has his name outside the giraffes which we love (huge thank you to my amazing friends for such a lovely gift to remember our boy). So this year, we did just that. We started the day by going down to Lucas’ memorial garden so we could leave him some beautiful flowers and let off balloons, then we headed off to the Zoo and we had such a beautiful day remembering him just as we wanted. Here are some photos of our day…

For me I have the hard times coming up. Next week it will be two years since Lucas grew his Angel wings. For now I am trying to remain positive remembering back to these days two years ago as we were lucky enough to create memories with our new baby. Everyday I wake up, I sit and remember what we did on this day two years ago. Thinking of so much happiness and joy we had then.. How could that make me feel sad?

So on the 28th May is where it will all go downhill for me. That’s going to mark two years since Lucas grew his Angel wings… Two years will have past since we saw him last, touched him last, cuddled him last, and finally kissed him for the last time as we said our goodbyes. Thinking back to that day hurts so much. And to remember the days after that too where we felt so numb to the world. It was all so horrendous that I can’t begin to explain it to anybody. I dread every year when when the anniversary arrives… I am taken back into that moment all over again. The one where we get blue lighted to the hospital, rushed into resus, see alsorts of horrible things happening to our brand new baby and finally to be told they couldn’t save him. I just replay the days afterwards in my head a million times over. Not just the day we lost Lucas, but the days after that too. The run up to his funeral… That one thing a parent should never have to do. 

How is it different two years on? Well I would say that the pain never goes away for me. It’s a constant pain which I have learnt how to carry better time, but it is still there. Then I have moments where the grief just comes over me and the tears can’t be stopped. It’s true when they say grief is like waves. I couldn’t understand that at all in the beginning of this journey. But I can totally relate to that now.

For anybody reading who has sadly just joined the baby loss community, I am so sorry. Please know that things will get better. The pain eases and in time you will learn to carry the grief better than you will do at the start. It’s a long journey but there is so much help out there. Once again this year my Sands friends have helped me through and continue to do so over this time marking Lucas’ anniversaries. I would be lost without them. So thank you to you all. Also to my family & friends for remembering our Lucas with us. He is one very loved baby boy. 

And finally for anybody reading who wants to follow more of my journey, I am currently doing my 12 days of Lucas photographs over on my Instagram as well as having just completed an auction to raise money for Great Ormond Street Hospital in memory of my son where I raised just under £1900! So please feel free to follow us and our life as Angel & rainbow parents… @lifeandmemoriesoflucasandemmy

Thank you for reading. Abi.x

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